Geri has finished her first week of school, and it is going SO WELL!! I'm in awe, her teachers are in awe, Daddy is in awe... Awe seems to be the catch-phrase of the entire week.
On Tuesday Geri had her first day of school, and I don't know if I've ever been or ever will be more nervous about a first day of anything in my whole life. I was hoping it would all be okay, since she knows the Anchor Center and their staff so well, but we were just home from a week in Rhode Island following a week of family visiting, so she was rather out of sorts. Add to that a much earlier wake-up time (among her many disabilities, she is also "morning impaired") and I was thinking this day was going to be hard. Then we got stuck in traffic on the way up (I fought I-25 North and I-70 West and LOST) and were a full half hour late. I think my stress meter at that moment was pinging off the charts.
But then we walked into the white walled corridors of Anchor, our second home in Denver, and it felt like everything would be okay. Geri joined her class without a single fuss and was immediately participating happily in what was going on. We hung around for an hour to participate in a parents' coffee break, and when it ended the staff reassured me that she was doing fine. Mera and I headed off to the park and then out for lunch. Around noon I got a call that Geri seemed tired and irritable and might need to be picked up, but it turns out she was just hungry. After a snack she was feeling much better, and she did great through lunch and cleanup. About 20 minutes from the end of the day they asked me to come in and join her in class to help her through, and we ended the day on a happy note.
Thursday and Friday were even better. We arrived on time, I gave her a snack before school to help her get through until lunch, and she made it all the way through to the end of the day without a problem. The teachers raved to me about how she is participating in all the activities and doing a great job. They all oohed and aahed over her expanding verbal skills, told me how much she enjoys class and seems eager to learn, and waxed poetic about how smart she is and how utterly ready she was for school.
Does it get any better than that? Well, maybe. There was also a visit to her doctor on Wednesday.
Dr. Kim has been seeing Geri since before she came home, and he has a lot of experience with international adoptions. I really like Dr. Kim, because he's patient and thorough and kind and caring. Oh, and he's a competent doctor to boot. He's also totally up front and honest with us as her parents, even when the truth is tough. I appreciate that.
When we first brought him Geri's referral info and our stories from meeting her and the photos and videos, he told me that he was concerned that she might be mildly mentally retarded. He thought she showed signs of autism, too. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome was also on his radar. When we walked in on Wednesday his jaw fairly hit the floor.
He watched her, playing with books and asking me to read to her and laughing and clapping and interacting... and he used words like "amazing" and "miracle" and "unbelievable." This doctor, who once worried that Geri may be retarded, told me "She's definitely very smart. She has to be very smart to have come this far in this short a time."
Our God can heal and renew in ways we don't even remotely comprehend.
Lately, with the help of STFU Parents, the term "mommyjacking" has become pretty popular. We all laugh at parents who post a hundred pictures of their child's first drawing or overshare bathroom behaviors because it seems so hopelessly self-centered and out of touch to think the whole world should sit up and applaud when your child does anything new. But sometimes, we parents work so DAMNED HARD for these milestones and achievements. It's hard not to think the whole world ought to notice. The whole way home from Denver on Tuesday, I cried and prayed and felt like there really ought to be a parade for this. This is such a huge development in our family, how can others NOT notice? How can this day seem normal or mundane to anyone, when God reached down and touched our family and made a real, live, modern-day miracle happen? No, it's not newsworthy when Junior poops on the toilet the first time, and it's easy to get out of whack and feel like the world owes us a party for every emotional high (or low) we encounter. Yet, some other times it really is a BIG EFFING DEAL.
Sometimes, you really do deserve a fricking parade. This week has felt like one of those times.
I propose a new holiday. The 24th of August will be, officially, from here on out "Holy Crap Your Kid Is Doing Great!" day. It's a day for all parents who have struggled and cried and prayed and hoped and worried and pushed and encouraged and cried and prayed some more to celebrate that some of the crazy huge effort we put in actually paid off. To celebrate milestones we didn't think we'd actually reach, developments we weren't sure would ever happen, achievements we like to think we had some small part in, or simply the grueling task of keeping a child alive for as long as we have managed to do so.
I get to be Grand Marshall in the parade.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Random Acts of Encouragement
We are finally home from our big trip to RI!! It was awesome, and I promise to share the deets, but not right yet. I left my camera there, for one thing, but I also have something else I feel the need to throw out first.
Yesterday we were on the first flight of the day, headed from Boston to Atlanta. Two adults, three kids, lots of anxiety wondering how it will go. Nick and Mera were sitting together on one side of the aisle. TJ, Geri and me were on the other side. TJ promptly fell asleep under the influence of Dramamine. Geri sat on my lap while I watched the movie (Avengers) and Mera was in Nick's lap, hanging out. We weren't doing anything special, nothing interesting. For a little bit, Geri slept in my arms.
Towards the end of the flight, a woman sitting in front of us passed me a note. It said "I've had a really hard day, and a really rough time recently. Watching your kids has cheered me up a lot. I wanted to let you know that your kids are very sweet and you are obviously great caregivers to them. Thank you for putting a smile back on my face. Sincerely, Seat 30A."
It's such a blessing to be doing nothing special and have someone compliment you, isn't it? Sort of like when your hair is a mess and you have no makeup on and your husband tells you how pretty you are. There's such vast encouragement in being praised for just being as you are.
We spend so much time pulling each other down, perhaps we should put more effort into encouraging each other and lifting each other up. Here's my challenge to you. The next time you see a family out in public, tell the parents something nice about their kids. Tell them what a great job they are doing. Encourage them. Lift them up. And, if you are of the Christian bent, take it one step further by praying for them. Maybe with them, maybe later in your private time.
Let's start a new trend!
Yesterday we were on the first flight of the day, headed from Boston to Atlanta. Two adults, three kids, lots of anxiety wondering how it will go. Nick and Mera were sitting together on one side of the aisle. TJ, Geri and me were on the other side. TJ promptly fell asleep under the influence of Dramamine. Geri sat on my lap while I watched the movie (Avengers) and Mera was in Nick's lap, hanging out. We weren't doing anything special, nothing interesting. For a little bit, Geri slept in my arms.
Towards the end of the flight, a woman sitting in front of us passed me a note. It said "I've had a really hard day, and a really rough time recently. Watching your kids has cheered me up a lot. I wanted to let you know that your kids are very sweet and you are obviously great caregivers to them. Thank you for putting a smile back on my face. Sincerely, Seat 30A."
It's such a blessing to be doing nothing special and have someone compliment you, isn't it? Sort of like when your hair is a mess and you have no makeup on and your husband tells you how pretty you are. There's such vast encouragement in being praised for just being as you are.
We spend so much time pulling each other down, perhaps we should put more effort into encouraging each other and lifting each other up. Here's my challenge to you. The next time you see a family out in public, tell the parents something nice about their kids. Tell them what a great job they are doing. Encourage them. Lift them up. And, if you are of the Christian bent, take it one step further by praying for them. Maybe with them, maybe later in your private time.
Let's start a new trend!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Nope, Not My Way
"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways,' declares the Lord" Isiah 55:8
Lately, I have been having a small crisis of faith. Or maybe it's a big one. I'm not sure. It's not that I was ever thinking I would hand in my Christian card and go to Vegas for the rest of my life, but I was steadily finding it harder and harder to trust in God.
See, I think I know the best outcome. I figure I have a good plan for things, I can discern what's "good" and what's "bad." And lately, when I had something I wanted to take to God in prayer, I knew what I wanted Him to do but I didn't trust Him to do it. Maybe I've been suffering from a broken lamp with a faulty genie in it. Or from thinking I had a lamp with a genie in it, when in fact I don't.
The saddest part of it is that I haven't been going to God in prayer because I didn't think He'd answer the way I wanted and I didn't want to sit around rubbing an empty lamp. Lame, right? I was like a little kid who would starve before telling their mom they are hungry because I know she won't let me eat a whole cookie cake for dinner. I would rather die of hunger dreaming of cake than have my parent choose a healthy and appropriate thing for me to eat.
Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I would rather break my neck trying to climb to the top of the fridge and get a cookie than have mom give me something nutritional and good for me. See, I haven't been reaching out to my God humbly for His care... I've been trying to take care of it myself. Because when you admit that God is not a genie in a lamp, there are only two options left... 1) try to take control and make the outcome you want to happen, happen or 2) give control to God and let Him give you what He deems best. And option 2 can feel pretty scary at times.
What makes it worse is that I have proof, over and over, in my own life that my idea of what's best is usually short-sighted and silly. Whenever I have tried to say "This is the best thing that can happen" or "This is what I want" or "That is what I need", I have found myself a few miles down the road saying "Now THAT did not go the way I planned" or "What in the HELL was I thinking?" But when I look back on the things that I have no doubt God accomplished in my life, I find myself saying "That turned out way better than I thought it would" and "Wow, that was exactly what I needed."
I can be so slow sometimes.
Today, I actually challenged God. I said "Lord, if you're really listening and you really want to help me and love me, then show me. I need you to take all this doubt from me. Give me peace, remove my fear, make me trust in you again." I was hoping for a sense of relief and internal peace... what I got was a minor miracle in the form of Geri biting, chewing and swallowing food at her feeding therapy session about 30 minutes later. I cried. I literally cried and thanked God and said "I get it. You're right and I'm wrong. You are still working in my life, You are still taking care of me, I can still rely on You because You know what's best. I give up."
And as soon as I said that, I felt a peace and security that I haven't had in months.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
Lately, I have been having a small crisis of faith. Or maybe it's a big one. I'm not sure. It's not that I was ever thinking I would hand in my Christian card and go to Vegas for the rest of my life, but I was steadily finding it harder and harder to trust in God.
See, I think I know the best outcome. I figure I have a good plan for things, I can discern what's "good" and what's "bad." And lately, when I had something I wanted to take to God in prayer, I knew what I wanted Him to do but I didn't trust Him to do it. Maybe I've been suffering from a broken lamp with a faulty genie in it. Or from thinking I had a lamp with a genie in it, when in fact I don't.
The saddest part of it is that I haven't been going to God in prayer because I didn't think He'd answer the way I wanted and I didn't want to sit around rubbing an empty lamp. Lame, right? I was like a little kid who would starve before telling their mom they are hungry because I know she won't let me eat a whole cookie cake for dinner. I would rather die of hunger dreaming of cake than have my parent choose a healthy and appropriate thing for me to eat.
Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I would rather break my neck trying to climb to the top of the fridge and get a cookie than have mom give me something nutritional and good for me. See, I haven't been reaching out to my God humbly for His care... I've been trying to take care of it myself. Because when you admit that God is not a genie in a lamp, there are only two options left... 1) try to take control and make the outcome you want to happen, happen or 2) give control to God and let Him give you what He deems best. And option 2 can feel pretty scary at times.
What makes it worse is that I have proof, over and over, in my own life that my idea of what's best is usually short-sighted and silly. Whenever I have tried to say "This is the best thing that can happen" or "This is what I want" or "That is what I need", I have found myself a few miles down the road saying "Now THAT did not go the way I planned" or "What in the HELL was I thinking?" But when I look back on the things that I have no doubt God accomplished in my life, I find myself saying "That turned out way better than I thought it would" and "Wow, that was exactly what I needed."
I can be so slow sometimes.
Today, I actually challenged God. I said "Lord, if you're really listening and you really want to help me and love me, then show me. I need you to take all this doubt from me. Give me peace, remove my fear, make me trust in you again." I was hoping for a sense of relief and internal peace... what I got was a minor miracle in the form of Geri biting, chewing and swallowing food at her feeding therapy session about 30 minutes later. I cried. I literally cried and thanked God and said "I get it. You're right and I'm wrong. You are still working in my life, You are still taking care of me, I can still rely on You because You know what's best. I give up."
And as soon as I said that, I felt a peace and security that I haven't had in months.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Planning for School
Two out of three kiddos are getting ready to go to school!! Wow, it feels so weird just saying that. I mean, we just went from two to three and now two of three are getting ready for school?? Nick and I were not even planning on starting Geri in the fall. We had been planning for her to start school in the winter, due to her difficulties with seperation.
A word on that... Pretty shortly after our new, darling daughter came home, it became pretty apparant that she had accepted us as her mom and dad and that she was NOT willing to let us out of range. Her range, by the way, is very short. For a while, it was maybe 15 feet. At one point it shrank down to about 3 feet. I kid you not, if I was out of arm's reach she went nuts. This was a tough time, because it's hard to have someone need you that close all the time. In my mind I knew it was great because it was a wonderful sign of attaching to her mommy... but in my body I was tired and wanted to be able to walk across the room and get a glass of water without her screaming. I wanted to be able to sit with someone else in my lap without the meltdown. I wanted to pee without an audience. I was worried, in a big way, that we wouldn't get past this to a place of independance and that her clinginess would prevent her from exploring and learning and growing. She had lost so much development already... how much more time would she lose?
Finally, in early June, I saw a shift happening. She was getting better about distance between us. She was wandering the house and exploring her environment. I figured the time had come to start working on her ability to seperate from us in a healthy way. We started with some help from the in-home daycare that watches Mera during Geri's appointments, and we started small. The first day, I literally walked out the front door and stood by the gate for five minutes, then went back in. She was a wreck. But the second time, she did a bit better. And the third, a bit better still. After a few weeks, two times a week, I could leave her for about an hour and she would be fine. She would be okay when I said goodbye, play when I was gone, and greet me happily without a lot of clinginess when I got back.
We decided in July that we would register her for preschool at the Colorado School for the Deaf and Blind. Unfortunately, we were too late. Their pre-k class is super small, and it was already booked solid. She is number two on the waiting list. The director of the program offered to put her in the kindergarten, since they have larger classes and she turns 5 during the school year, but I'm not interested in doing that. I think she needs a year of pre-k (at least one) to get up to speed with some basic concepts and her expressive language skills.
At first, I was kinda bummed, because that meant she would have to go up to Denver to the Anchor Center for pre-k. That's a lot of driving, and a lot of gas money. But mainstreaming her was not an option in my mind... we had seen what the district had to offer and I didn't feel it was enough. Plus, the IEP process had left an icky taste in my mouth.
But she is now registered at Anchor for pre-k, and I'm feeling very good about it. We've been participating in the summer pre-k program. It's lighter and less structured, but it's given me an idea how the pre-k program will work and I like it. I also think it's a good thing that the program only meets three days a week. This lets her ease into schooling, without it being a shock to her system. I know all the teachers and I trust them completely. I know they are going to work with her and teach her and help her and be patient with her and protect her and care for her and all those other things we need to hear when one of our little birds starts their flying lessons! Best of all, she knows everyone and she knows the building. Anchor is a safe place full of safe people, and what better way to start her out than feeling safe?
Her name is still on the list at CSDB, so if a slot opens up then we can move her down. And the folks at Anchor know this and are totally fine with it. If nothing comes up at CSDB, or we don't feel like she can handle the move, then she'll do a year of pre-k at Anchor and we'll decide if she needs another year or can go straight to kindergarten. Either way, we'll probably move her to CSDB for the second year. I'll make sure to call earlier next year to register her!
She starts in just a few weeks, and I'm so excited. I think that's the most amazing part of all... I'm not scared. I'm thrilled!! She's such a smart girl, and I want to see her learn and grow like I know she can. She lost so much time in the orphanage, but she is very quick to learn and I know she has such an incredible amount of potential. I'm looking forward to seeing her change and grow. She's already amazed us at every turn with how smart and resilient she is.
Please pray for us, as we prepare for school. Pray that she will handle the seperation well. Pray that we'll keep ends meeting with the increased expense of the gas money. Pray for me and Mera, that we can enjoy some alone time together and bond a bit closer. Most of all, pray that God will bring out in her what has been hidden. That her talent and intelligence and personality will be revealed more every day!
A word on that... Pretty shortly after our new, darling daughter came home, it became pretty apparant that she had accepted us as her mom and dad and that she was NOT willing to let us out of range. Her range, by the way, is very short. For a while, it was maybe 15 feet. At one point it shrank down to about 3 feet. I kid you not, if I was out of arm's reach she went nuts. This was a tough time, because it's hard to have someone need you that close all the time. In my mind I knew it was great because it was a wonderful sign of attaching to her mommy... but in my body I was tired and wanted to be able to walk across the room and get a glass of water without her screaming. I wanted to be able to sit with someone else in my lap without the meltdown. I wanted to pee without an audience. I was worried, in a big way, that we wouldn't get past this to a place of independance and that her clinginess would prevent her from exploring and learning and growing. She had lost so much development already... how much more time would she lose?
Finally, in early June, I saw a shift happening. She was getting better about distance between us. She was wandering the house and exploring her environment. I figured the time had come to start working on her ability to seperate from us in a healthy way. We started with some help from the in-home daycare that watches Mera during Geri's appointments, and we started small. The first day, I literally walked out the front door and stood by the gate for five minutes, then went back in. She was a wreck. But the second time, she did a bit better. And the third, a bit better still. After a few weeks, two times a week, I could leave her for about an hour and she would be fine. She would be okay when I said goodbye, play when I was gone, and greet me happily without a lot of clinginess when I got back.
We decided in July that we would register her for preschool at the Colorado School for the Deaf and Blind. Unfortunately, we were too late. Their pre-k class is super small, and it was already booked solid. She is number two on the waiting list. The director of the program offered to put her in the kindergarten, since they have larger classes and she turns 5 during the school year, but I'm not interested in doing that. I think she needs a year of pre-k (at least one) to get up to speed with some basic concepts and her expressive language skills.
At first, I was kinda bummed, because that meant she would have to go up to Denver to the Anchor Center for pre-k. That's a lot of driving, and a lot of gas money. But mainstreaming her was not an option in my mind... we had seen what the district had to offer and I didn't feel it was enough. Plus, the IEP process had left an icky taste in my mouth.
But she is now registered at Anchor for pre-k, and I'm feeling very good about it. We've been participating in the summer pre-k program. It's lighter and less structured, but it's given me an idea how the pre-k program will work and I like it. I also think it's a good thing that the program only meets three days a week. This lets her ease into schooling, without it being a shock to her system. I know all the teachers and I trust them completely. I know they are going to work with her and teach her and help her and be patient with her and protect her and care for her and all those other things we need to hear when one of our little birds starts their flying lessons! Best of all, she knows everyone and she knows the building. Anchor is a safe place full of safe people, and what better way to start her out than feeling safe?
Her name is still on the list at CSDB, so if a slot opens up then we can move her down. And the folks at Anchor know this and are totally fine with it. If nothing comes up at CSDB, or we don't feel like she can handle the move, then she'll do a year of pre-k at Anchor and we'll decide if she needs another year or can go straight to kindergarten. Either way, we'll probably move her to CSDB for the second year. I'll make sure to call earlier next year to register her!
She starts in just a few weeks, and I'm so excited. I think that's the most amazing part of all... I'm not scared. I'm thrilled!! She's such a smart girl, and I want to see her learn and grow like I know she can. She lost so much time in the orphanage, but she is very quick to learn and I know she has such an incredible amount of potential. I'm looking forward to seeing her change and grow. She's already amazed us at every turn with how smart and resilient she is.
Please pray for us, as we prepare for school. Pray that she will handle the seperation well. Pray that we'll keep ends meeting with the increased expense of the gas money. Pray for me and Mera, that we can enjoy some alone time together and bond a bit closer. Most of all, pray that God will bring out in her what has been hidden. That her talent and intelligence and personality will be revealed more every day!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Skinny Aesthetic and Eating Disorders??
I was recently led by the twisting maze of "related links" to a certain site for followers and lovers of the "skinny look." What led me there was a rather rude and controversial series of their posts insulting full-figured models, but what piqued my interest was their response to criticism. Specifically, I was interested in their defense of the skinny look as being "healthy" and their assertion that they do not support or encourage eating disorders. They are just about people being healthy, folks. Who could disagree with that?
Well, I disagree with the idea of the skinny look as healthy for everyone. Here's why. Most human traits follow what's known as a normal distribution, or the bell curve. Extrapolating from this model, genetically speaking, the level of "skinny" this website supports naturally occurs in a small segment of the population. Few women are hard-wired to be a size 0 without serious effort. Those people are, in the general vernacular, skinny little bitches. Or at least, that's what us hefty size 6's call them when they aren't around.
Expanding outward statistically, you would see a larger group (no pun intended) of women who are hard-wired to be a bit bigger, maybe a 2 or a 4, but can become a 0 by force. Go further out and you continue to increase until you hit the average size, and then you drop back off towards the obese end of the spectrum with fewer and fewer women genetically inclined to that group.
Now pretend to pull a singular woman off some point on that spectrum. She will have her own bell curve... her average weight over time in the middle, with her leanest and heaviest weights bounding the curve. Still with me? Ok, pretend you pull a woman from the left side of the graph, with her average size a 2. Her personal curve may range from 00 to 6. Now pull an imaginary woman from the other end. If her average size is a 14, then her personal range probably doesn't even come close to 0. Her bone structure may not even permit it.
Oh, I can hear you arguing... "Everyone wants to say they are 'big boned' and it's a load of bull!" Yes and no. Some women are genuinely larger figured. I once had the occasion to view a plastic surgeon's "brag book" or pervious clients. On one page he showed me a picture of a slender woman with comically large implants. Several pages later, another woman looked like she had maybe a B cup. The women had the same exact size implants. So how was one of them a quadruple F and the other a barely B? The second woman was built like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Her chest measurement had to be 44 inches. And she wasn't fat... she just had a HUGE frame. So yes, big boned is for real... sometimes. The point where it's a load of bull is when women (and men) use their large frame as an excuse for carrying massive amounts of body fat and living in the MacDonald's drive thru.
But I digress... back to the point of all that mumbo jumbo statistics junk... "healthy" is not the same as "skinny." At least, not for everyone.
Supporting or advancing the skinny aesthetic is only promoting a healthy look for a segment of the population, and probably a pretty small one at that. For the rest, it's a different story, and here is where the problem begins. When you take the super-skinny look and promote it to everyone as the ideal for all and the goal for every woman, you place women in a difficult position. Either blow it off, accept defeat, or engage in unhealthy behaviors to attempt to attain a look that is not healthy for them.
Blowing it off is a tall order for most women today. Now, I'm not blaming the fashion industry. The models in the magazines are part of that far end of the bell curve, so let's assume these are healthy women. If that assumption holds true, then the industry doesn't create skinny girls, it just employs them. Sort of like saying the Wizard of Oz movie didn't create midgets, it just gave them screen time.
The problem is taking images of that small segment of the population and bombarding the rest of the population with them. It's a lot of exposure, and it's hard to ignore. It also promotes this ideal to the menfolk, and we women of the hetero persuasion have a tendency to try to impress these dudes. At least, until we hook them. Then it's back to the mean value!! At any rate, even if we don't directly respond to the influence of the magazines, we find ourselves indirectly responding to them through the men we attempt to wrangle into a contractual relationship.
Accepting defeat is dangerous, too. Giving up does not encourage getting healthy! It encourages a devil-may-care return to the Chocolate Wonderfall because who cares? I'm never going to be one of those skinny bitches anyway, so I might as well enjoy myself.
Then there's the third option. This one is so very sad, and it flies directly in the face of claims that the skinny look is about being healthy. It's also the most dangerous, because the largest segment of a bell curve population falls into the middle... where skinny is too far away to be healthy but just close enough to look possible. And getting there is not pretty.
All of this just means that if you want people to be healthy, then you can't tell them how to look doing it. Promoting a healthy ideal shouldn't be about trashing and slamming everyone over a size 4. It should be about encouraging a certain lifestyle, fitness level, body fat percentage, hell even the flawed measure that is the BMI. And those numbers would look very different on different women.
Well, I disagree with the idea of the skinny look as healthy for everyone. Here's why. Most human traits follow what's known as a normal distribution, or the bell curve. Extrapolating from this model, genetically speaking, the level of "skinny" this website supports naturally occurs in a small segment of the population. Few women are hard-wired to be a size 0 without serious effort. Those people are, in the general vernacular, skinny little bitches. Or at least, that's what us hefty size 6's call them when they aren't around.
Expanding outward statistically, you would see a larger group (no pun intended) of women who are hard-wired to be a bit bigger, maybe a 2 or a 4, but can become a 0 by force. Go further out and you continue to increase until you hit the average size, and then you drop back off towards the obese end of the spectrum with fewer and fewer women genetically inclined to that group.
Now pretend to pull a singular woman off some point on that spectrum. She will have her own bell curve... her average weight over time in the middle, with her leanest and heaviest weights bounding the curve. Still with me? Ok, pretend you pull a woman from the left side of the graph, with her average size a 2. Her personal curve may range from 00 to 6. Now pull an imaginary woman from the other end. If her average size is a 14, then her personal range probably doesn't even come close to 0. Her bone structure may not even permit it.
Oh, I can hear you arguing... "Everyone wants to say they are 'big boned' and it's a load of bull!" Yes and no. Some women are genuinely larger figured. I once had the occasion to view a plastic surgeon's "brag book" or pervious clients. On one page he showed me a picture of a slender woman with comically large implants. Several pages later, another woman looked like she had maybe a B cup. The women had the same exact size implants. So how was one of them a quadruple F and the other a barely B? The second woman was built like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Her chest measurement had to be 44 inches. And she wasn't fat... she just had a HUGE frame. So yes, big boned is for real... sometimes. The point where it's a load of bull is when women (and men) use their large frame as an excuse for carrying massive amounts of body fat and living in the MacDonald's drive thru.
But I digress... back to the point of all that mumbo jumbo statistics junk... "healthy" is not the same as "skinny." At least, not for everyone.
Supporting or advancing the skinny aesthetic is only promoting a healthy look for a segment of the population, and probably a pretty small one at that. For the rest, it's a different story, and here is where the problem begins. When you take the super-skinny look and promote it to everyone as the ideal for all and the goal for every woman, you place women in a difficult position. Either blow it off, accept defeat, or engage in unhealthy behaviors to attempt to attain a look that is not healthy for them.
Blowing it off is a tall order for most women today. Now, I'm not blaming the fashion industry. The models in the magazines are part of that far end of the bell curve, so let's assume these are healthy women. If that assumption holds true, then the industry doesn't create skinny girls, it just employs them. Sort of like saying the Wizard of Oz movie didn't create midgets, it just gave them screen time.
The problem is taking images of that small segment of the population and bombarding the rest of the population with them. It's a lot of exposure, and it's hard to ignore. It also promotes this ideal to the menfolk, and we women of the hetero persuasion have a tendency to try to impress these dudes. At least, until we hook them. Then it's back to the mean value!! At any rate, even if we don't directly respond to the influence of the magazines, we find ourselves indirectly responding to them through the men we attempt to wrangle into a contractual relationship.
Accepting defeat is dangerous, too. Giving up does not encourage getting healthy! It encourages a devil-may-care return to the Chocolate Wonderfall because who cares? I'm never going to be one of those skinny bitches anyway, so I might as well enjoy myself.
Then there's the third option. This one is so very sad, and it flies directly in the face of claims that the skinny look is about being healthy. It's also the most dangerous, because the largest segment of a bell curve population falls into the middle... where skinny is too far away to be healthy but just close enough to look possible. And getting there is not pretty.
All of this just means that if you want people to be healthy, then you can't tell them how to look doing it. Promoting a healthy ideal shouldn't be about trashing and slamming everyone over a size 4. It should be about encouraging a certain lifestyle, fitness level, body fat percentage, hell even the flawed measure that is the BMI. And those numbers would look very different on different women.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Judge Not
I'm utterly disgusted by the responses of people who want to judge the parent who lost her 6-year old daughter in the horrible attack in Aurora. I've seen comment after comment that the child should never have been there, that the mother was negligent, that she was probably a bad mom overall, etc. etc. etc.
That anyone would jump up to kick this still-grieving mother is absolutely inhumane and illustrates something that's been bugging me for a while now. See, this isn't the first case of judgement I've seen. In fact, there's a whole section for this kind of thing on STFU, Parents. They're called "sanctimommies."
There seems to be an epidemic of women (you never seem to see the men jumping on board here) who think they know exactly how to raise a child. They have the perfect, magical formula for how to make a perfect, talented, successful, kind, creative adult who will be the pride and joy of the world and crap rainbows. Mostly, I'm guessing these are people who have a younger child, because they have yet to be bitch-slapped with the coldest, hardest reality of parenting.
Your child is not a slick little machine that simply takes the input you give and kicks it back out.
Raising our kids is not typing on a keyboard, where you hit the "f" key and the letter "f" appears on the screen and, in like fashion, you pen your magnum opus on their malleable life. They are not a mirror, simply reflecting back what you put in front of it. Most of all, they are not your project to get right so that everyone can look at you and applaud the good job you've done.
Kids are, brace yourselves, short and immature human beings. (Teens are tall and immature human beings, btw.) They have their own personality, their own opinions, their own preferences. Play all the Baby Mozart you want, sparky. That kid may prefer Metallica. Like it or not.
The scary spinoff of believing that kids simply the sum of our input is that we begin to think that 1) we are completely responsible for who they become and 2) we can and MUST make this perfect. We can't afford a mistake, there is only one way to do it, and if we screw it up our child will be damaged FOR LIFE!!!
Of course, in order to convince ourselves of our sheer perfection of parenting, there are only two options. One is to go through every possible decision point in advance and create a game plan from the next 30 years. This way is time-consuming, and forces us to logically consider each decision point... and then we would see our own crazy inconsistencies and how freaking impossible this idea is and go have a brewski while the kids draw on the wall because we just gave up. The other, far easier and efficient way, is to judge the actions of other parents as they unfold around us. We figure out our position on fatty foods when we see someone giving their kid a Big Mac and think "oh, hell no!" We discern proper programming when we see someone's kid wearing a Halo shirt and think "for shame!" And being around someone we don't like just gives us a million new positions, because anything that stupid b*&% does has GOT to be wrong!
Here's the reality of the situation... you can do everything right, and your kid could still end up in a gutter on drugs. Strike that, it's impossible to do everything right... but you could have the best batting average on the Earth and still see your kid fail miserably. Talk to the mom who approved every outfit and kept little Suzie home from all those dances with their disgusting music about sex, only to help Suzie deliver her first baby at 15 years old. Talk to the parent who ensured that little Jake wouldn't even touch a toy gun and raised him strict vegan, only to watch him drive off in a camo truck with a gun rack to go get him a buck.
Oh yeah, and what's the right outcome anyway??? CEO? President? Model? Actress? Singer? Librarian? When we're asked we just say rosy things like "I just want him to reach his full potential" or "I just want him to be happy and a good person." Well, how on Earth would not letting him drink soda make him a good person? Forcing a kid to take violin won't make her reach her full potential if her true talents lie elsewhere.
We decide based on ourselves. We make it about us, even though it is really most decidedly not. We raise our kid on health food because WE value health. We teach our kids the viola because WE value musical talent. I'll admit it, I put my kids in activities because I regret not being more "involved" when I was a kid. I want TJ to study a sport and stick with it because I dropped out of every damned sport I took and I wish I hadn't. I want him to take banjo lessons because I <3 bluegrass music. I desperately want to put Mera in dance or gymnastics. Why? Because I wish I had studied them! I want Geri to take piano. Why? Well, I think she loves it first and foremost, but in my heart of hearts I always wanted to take piano but never did. I dress my girls up carefully, being persnickety about hair and clothes because I was picked on for my hair and clothes in school. I look at my old pics now and think "Oh great God in heaven, why was I wearing THAT?" or "mom really shouldn't have cut my bangs if she couldn't cut them straight!" and I want to save my girls from looking back and thinking something similar.
In our fevered rush to make our kids perfect based upon what we value and what we regret, we forget that no matter WHAT we do, they will someday look back and think "what the hell was mom THINKING?" They may even HATE us for what we didn't let them do!
Oh, and forget the fact that we are not their only source of input. We aren't even the greatest source of input. Sure, we can claim supremacy up until kindergarten, maybe through first grade, but after that we get dethroned. Very early in life, the opinion of the parents becomes second to that of the peers. And when they're teens, all we have to do is voice an opinion to ensure they do the exact opposite. I can tell TJ already thinks I'm lame sometimes, and he's 6. Hell, Mera rolls her eyes at me and she's 2. Even Geri is in on the act, and she's only been home for 8 months. And she's blind, she can't even SEE how stupid my outfit is!
The reality is this... there's a huge grey area in parenting. Lots of things fall into the category of "not what I'd do, but not abuse or neglect and not my damned business." TV programming? I don't have a TV. I think Teletubbies is for potheads. Don't even get me started on that Boomba show. Spongebob is also for getting stoned. But if you have a TV and keep it on Nick Jr all damned day, have at. My older sister hates Caillou. It's one of the most innocuous shows on the planet, but she says the parents never go to work and it bugs her. She values hard work, not bald Canadian kids with independently wealthy parents. And you know what? That's FINE. Hopefully her daughter won't ever see the show at Grandma's and come home asking to watch it every day on Teevo. Then I'll laugh because she's my sister and I get to do that and it makes me feel better about what my kid just did.
Food? My kids eat mac and cheese. Daily. We have our reasons. Don't like it? Go home and give your kid a carrot stick. It'll make you feel better. But if you want to raise your kids on organic lettuce and egg whites HAVE AT. I'm sure he'll be fine... until he goes to school and sees those cookies in his friend's lunchbox. Then you'll have troubles of your own and you will be too busy dealing with a snack mutiny to be worried about my kid's food. Because you might find that little darling has a monster sweet tooth that you lack.
Bottom line, butt out. Stop judging each other and crap that falls in the noise level. The sad thing is how many abused, neglected and abandoned kids are out there and we're so busy raising Cain about whether you should use time-outs or time-ins that we stand idly by and do nothing.
And above all, put yourself in each others' shoes. You're doing your level best. How do you feel when someone says you're wrong and implies you are ruining your kid? Or slams you on some stupid message board calling you a bad parent? You wouldn't like it, so don't do it to someone else. Especially someone who is GRIEVING.
Because I think we all can agree that we don't want to raise our kids to be callous, insensitive pricks.
That anyone would jump up to kick this still-grieving mother is absolutely inhumane and illustrates something that's been bugging me for a while now. See, this isn't the first case of judgement I've seen. In fact, there's a whole section for this kind of thing on STFU, Parents. They're called "sanctimommies."
There seems to be an epidemic of women (you never seem to see the men jumping on board here) who think they know exactly how to raise a child. They have the perfect, magical formula for how to make a perfect, talented, successful, kind, creative adult who will be the pride and joy of the world and crap rainbows. Mostly, I'm guessing these are people who have a younger child, because they have yet to be bitch-slapped with the coldest, hardest reality of parenting.
Your child is not a slick little machine that simply takes the input you give and kicks it back out.
Raising our kids is not typing on a keyboard, where you hit the "f" key and the letter "f" appears on the screen and, in like fashion, you pen your magnum opus on their malleable life. They are not a mirror, simply reflecting back what you put in front of it. Most of all, they are not your project to get right so that everyone can look at you and applaud the good job you've done.
Kids are, brace yourselves, short and immature human beings. (Teens are tall and immature human beings, btw.) They have their own personality, their own opinions, their own preferences. Play all the Baby Mozart you want, sparky. That kid may prefer Metallica. Like it or not.
The scary spinoff of believing that kids simply the sum of our input is that we begin to think that 1) we are completely responsible for who they become and 2) we can and MUST make this perfect. We can't afford a mistake, there is only one way to do it, and if we screw it up our child will be damaged FOR LIFE!!!
Of course, in order to convince ourselves of our sheer perfection of parenting, there are only two options. One is to go through every possible decision point in advance and create a game plan from the next 30 years. This way is time-consuming, and forces us to logically consider each decision point... and then we would see our own crazy inconsistencies and how freaking impossible this idea is and go have a brewski while the kids draw on the wall because we just gave up. The other, far easier and efficient way, is to judge the actions of other parents as they unfold around us. We figure out our position on fatty foods when we see someone giving their kid a Big Mac and think "oh, hell no!" We discern proper programming when we see someone's kid wearing a Halo shirt and think "for shame!" And being around someone we don't like just gives us a million new positions, because anything that stupid b*&% does has GOT to be wrong!
Here's the reality of the situation... you can do everything right, and your kid could still end up in a gutter on drugs. Strike that, it's impossible to do everything right... but you could have the best batting average on the Earth and still see your kid fail miserably. Talk to the mom who approved every outfit and kept little Suzie home from all those dances with their disgusting music about sex, only to help Suzie deliver her first baby at 15 years old. Talk to the parent who ensured that little Jake wouldn't even touch a toy gun and raised him strict vegan, only to watch him drive off in a camo truck with a gun rack to go get him a buck.
Oh yeah, and what's the right outcome anyway??? CEO? President? Model? Actress? Singer? Librarian? When we're asked we just say rosy things like "I just want him to reach his full potential" or "I just want him to be happy and a good person." Well, how on Earth would not letting him drink soda make him a good person? Forcing a kid to take violin won't make her reach her full potential if her true talents lie elsewhere.
We decide based on ourselves. We make it about us, even though it is really most decidedly not. We raise our kid on health food because WE value health. We teach our kids the viola because WE value musical talent. I'll admit it, I put my kids in activities because I regret not being more "involved" when I was a kid. I want TJ to study a sport and stick with it because I dropped out of every damned sport I took and I wish I hadn't. I want him to take banjo lessons because I <3 bluegrass music. I desperately want to put Mera in dance or gymnastics. Why? Because I wish I had studied them! I want Geri to take piano. Why? Well, I think she loves it first and foremost, but in my heart of hearts I always wanted to take piano but never did. I dress my girls up carefully, being persnickety about hair and clothes because I was picked on for my hair and clothes in school. I look at my old pics now and think "Oh great God in heaven, why was I wearing THAT?" or "mom really shouldn't have cut my bangs if she couldn't cut them straight!" and I want to save my girls from looking back and thinking something similar.
In our fevered rush to make our kids perfect based upon what we value and what we regret, we forget that no matter WHAT we do, they will someday look back and think "what the hell was mom THINKING?" They may even HATE us for what we didn't let them do!
Oh, and forget the fact that we are not their only source of input. We aren't even the greatest source of input. Sure, we can claim supremacy up until kindergarten, maybe through first grade, but after that we get dethroned. Very early in life, the opinion of the parents becomes second to that of the peers. And when they're teens, all we have to do is voice an opinion to ensure they do the exact opposite. I can tell TJ already thinks I'm lame sometimes, and he's 6. Hell, Mera rolls her eyes at me and she's 2. Even Geri is in on the act, and she's only been home for 8 months. And she's blind, she can't even SEE how stupid my outfit is!
The reality is this... there's a huge grey area in parenting. Lots of things fall into the category of "not what I'd do, but not abuse or neglect and not my damned business." TV programming? I don't have a TV. I think Teletubbies is for potheads. Don't even get me started on that Boomba show. Spongebob is also for getting stoned. But if you have a TV and keep it on Nick Jr all damned day, have at. My older sister hates Caillou. It's one of the most innocuous shows on the planet, but she says the parents never go to work and it bugs her. She values hard work, not bald Canadian kids with independently wealthy parents. And you know what? That's FINE. Hopefully her daughter won't ever see the show at Grandma's and come home asking to watch it every day on Teevo. Then I'll laugh because she's my sister and I get to do that and it makes me feel better about what my kid just did.
Food? My kids eat mac and cheese. Daily. We have our reasons. Don't like it? Go home and give your kid a carrot stick. It'll make you feel better. But if you want to raise your kids on organic lettuce and egg whites HAVE AT. I'm sure he'll be fine... until he goes to school and sees those cookies in his friend's lunchbox. Then you'll have troubles of your own and you will be too busy dealing with a snack mutiny to be worried about my kid's food. Because you might find that little darling has a monster sweet tooth that you lack.
Bottom line, butt out. Stop judging each other and crap that falls in the noise level. The sad thing is how many abused, neglected and abandoned kids are out there and we're so busy raising Cain about whether you should use time-outs or time-ins that we stand idly by and do nothing.
And above all, put yourself in each others' shoes. You're doing your level best. How do you feel when someone says you're wrong and implies you are ruining your kid? Or slams you on some stupid message board calling you a bad parent? You wouldn't like it, so don't do it to someone else. Especially someone who is GRIEVING.
Because I think we all can agree that we don't want to raise our kids to be callous, insensitive pricks.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Update on Doing the Splits
Nope, not there yet. It's been about 2 weeks since I started my stretching and exercise routine. The goals are to be able to "do the splits" and to relieve my back pain by strengthening my core.
So far, so good. When I started, I couldn't touch my toes. I couldn't get into child's pose. My back hurt frequently and carrying the kids was too much for me.
Now, I can touch my forehead to my knee in a seated leg stretch. I can get into a deep child's pose and a semi-decent pigeon pose. I can touch my toes while standing, and can even lay the backs of my fingers on the ground. I'm much closer to the front split, and getting there on the "Russian" or straddle split (this one... not this one.)
Best of all, my back is feeling so much stronger. I'm able to carry Mera pretty well, and even pick up Geri from time to time. I don't have all the pain I used to, and I haven't needed to call the chiropractor for an appointment in just over a week. Normally, by this point I would be in pain. I even managed a light, one mile jog the other night with no pain.
So far, so good.
Funny story, by the way. My chiropractor used to take Judo and Tai Kwan Do for many many years and compete in them. He actually used to do the splits himself, and swears they improved his kicks. I asked him how long it takes to be able to do the splits, and he said that if I am doing my stretches daily than it shouldn't take more than 2 months! I never would have figured on that fast, but it's a cool possibility! He told me that if I'm not there in two months to give him a call and he'll give me some stretching advice.
So I'll check back in again in a couple of weeks. Hopefully, I'll be very near to the floor on front splits and getting closer on the Russian one.
So far, so good. When I started, I couldn't touch my toes. I couldn't get into child's pose. My back hurt frequently and carrying the kids was too much for me.
Now, I can touch my forehead to my knee in a seated leg stretch. I can get into a deep child's pose and a semi-decent pigeon pose. I can touch my toes while standing, and can even lay the backs of my fingers on the ground. I'm much closer to the front split, and getting there on the "Russian" or straddle split (this one... not this one.)
Best of all, my back is feeling so much stronger. I'm able to carry Mera pretty well, and even pick up Geri from time to time. I don't have all the pain I used to, and I haven't needed to call the chiropractor for an appointment in just over a week. Normally, by this point I would be in pain. I even managed a light, one mile jog the other night with no pain.
So far, so good.
Funny story, by the way. My chiropractor used to take Judo and Tai Kwan Do for many many years and compete in them. He actually used to do the splits himself, and swears they improved his kicks. I asked him how long it takes to be able to do the splits, and he said that if I am doing my stretches daily than it shouldn't take more than 2 months! I never would have figured on that fast, but it's a cool possibility! He told me that if I'm not there in two months to give him a call and he'll give me some stretching advice.
So I'll check back in again in a couple of weeks. Hopefully, I'll be very near to the floor on front splits and getting closer on the Russian one.
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