Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Your Embarrassment will be Televised

My dirty little secret indulgence is a morning radio show called the John-Jay and Rich show. It's on a top 40/pop station, and in between catchy pop tunes these two guys and their poor, long-suffering female assistant name Kyle have segments that are basically Jerry Springer show outtakes. My favorites are "The War of the Roses" and "Second Date Update." Those are, basically, the two "relationship" segments.

Second Date Update is when someone calls in who had a really nice date with someone else, but since then the other person has been avoiding them and they want to know why. The hosts call up and pretend to just be wanting to talk about it with this person, but the other party is on the line and eventually they reveal their presence and the ensuing argument is played on the air.

I'm entertained by this. Call it schadenfreude, or perhaps the relief of not being the person calling in, but I listen when I can. It amazes me how neurotic some of these people get about someone they went on one or two dates with. But here's what amazes me the most - how totally ignorant some people are of the situation they are in.

(I'm going to aim this at women now, because in listening to the show regularly it has been my observation that roughly 99% of the segments are women calling to find out why a guy isn't calling them. Guys just don't seem to call in ever. In fact, I say 99% not because I have ever heard a man call in, but because I figure it's statistically impossible for it to be 100% female and I don't hear every single show so perhaps I missed that one random dude.)

If you went on a date with someone and slept with him that first night and he never calls anymore, he just wanted the sex. How women fail to get this is totally amazing to me. "But he said we had a real connection!" Of course he did. He wanted to get in your pants. "But he said it after we did the deed." Yeah, because you were still there and he didn't want you to flip out on him if he told you the truth, which would be best expressed as "Next!" If you give it up right away, then you should be prepared for the very strong likelihood that you will now be off this person's radar.

"But he called me again! We got together two more times!" Oh that's nice... what did you do those two other times? Did he call at 2 am to hook up? Yeah... he never took you seriously. You were not girlfriend material, you were an easy lay. And apparently, a half decent one because he came back for seconds and thirds. But then he grew tired of it and that was enough for him.

Here's a message that all women need to learn. Ready? You can't f$%& a man into loving you. It doesn't work that way. No way on God's green earth will you finish the deed and he will look at you and say "Ya know, I was not planning to see you again after tonight. But that was so wonderful and magical and deep that I now want to be with you forever. Marry me." See, we women tend to project and think men are like us. They're not. They truly can just have relations without involving their hearts. In fact, if you engage the libido too early the heart will be nowhere to be found.

Ok, that's the first thing. Second thing is this... nothing says "I'm desperate!" like having your favorite radio station track a man down to find out why he isn't calling. Maybe he really was super busy and unable to get together for a week or two. Perhaps there was a death in the family and he didn't want to talk about it yet. Maybe work is totally hectic. Maybe his dog is sick. Maybe he got a new cat and it needs him during this difficult transition. At any rate, if he wasn't avoiding you before, then he will be now. And if he was avoiding you before, then he will not be changing his mind because you sneak-attacked him onto the radio for a very public confrontation. If a guy disappears it's because he isn't interested in you. It will not make him more interested in you to find out that you are not just a cute pisces, but also an obsessive stalker.

These women seem totally amazed to be embarrassed on the radio... but what else did they expect? They called into a radio show to air their dirty laundry for all the world to hear (thanks, internet radio!) and somehow that experience leaves them feeling unsatisfied in the end. Most of these women seem to think that the guy is being a hypocrite by lying to get sex. Hey, it's dishonest. I'll agree totally there. But it's not really hypocritical. Lying to take advantage of someone else is pretty consistent behavior. In fact, it's the means to the end. He's not a nice guy if he does this to you, I concur. But you are not a smart girl if you let him. We all grow up with the same conventional wisdom poured into us. We all hear it over and over "Never give it up on the first date." "Why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?"

If you don't want a relationship either then it's up to you. That's your call if you want to just "have fun", and while I totally disagree that's not the purpose of this rant. If you were looking for love and you gave him sex then you set yourself up for disappointment. Would you hand your keys over to some random person and then get mad when they made off with your car?

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