"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways,' declares the Lord" Isiah 55:8
Lately, I have been having a small crisis of faith. Or maybe it's a big one. I'm not sure. It's not that I was ever thinking I would hand in my Christian card and go to Vegas for the rest of my life, but I was steadily finding it harder and harder to trust in God.
See, I think I know the best outcome. I figure I have a good plan for things, I can discern what's "good" and what's "bad." And lately, when I had something I wanted to take to God in prayer, I knew what I wanted Him to do but I didn't trust Him to do it. Maybe I've been suffering from a broken lamp with a faulty genie in it. Or from thinking I had a lamp with a genie in it, when in fact I don't.
The saddest part of it is that I haven't been going to God in prayer because I didn't think He'd answer the way I wanted and I didn't want to sit around rubbing an empty lamp. Lame, right? I was like a little kid who would starve before telling their mom they are hungry because I know she won't let me eat a whole cookie cake for dinner. I would rather die of hunger dreaming of cake than have my parent choose a healthy and appropriate thing for me to eat.
Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I would rather break my neck trying to climb to the top of the fridge and get a cookie than have mom give me something nutritional and good for me. See, I haven't been reaching out to my God humbly for His care... I've been trying to take care of it myself. Because when you admit that God is not a genie in a lamp, there are only two options left... 1) try to take control and make the outcome you want to happen, happen or 2) give control to God and let Him give you what He deems best. And option 2 can feel pretty scary at times.
What makes it worse is that I have proof, over and over, in my own life that my idea of what's best is usually short-sighted and silly. Whenever I have tried to say "This is the best thing that can happen" or "This is what I want" or "That is what I need", I have found myself a few miles down the road saying "Now THAT did not go the way I planned" or "What in the HELL was I thinking?" But when I look back on the things that I have no doubt God accomplished in my life, I find myself saying "That turned out way better than I thought it would" and "Wow, that was exactly what I needed."
I can be so slow sometimes.
Today, I actually challenged God. I said "Lord, if you're really listening and you really want to help me and love me, then show me. I need you to take all this doubt from me. Give me peace, remove my fear, make me trust in you again." I was hoping for a sense of relief and internal peace... what I got was a minor miracle in the form of Geri biting, chewing and swallowing food at her feeding therapy session about 30 minutes later. I cried. I literally cried and thanked God and said "I get it. You're right and I'm wrong. You are still working in my life, You are still taking care of me, I can still rely on You because You know what's best. I give up."
And as soon as I said that, I felt a peace and security that I haven't had in months.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5