The third of October has come and gone. I'd hoped that today we would have heard something, but that wasn't in the cards.
Today was my day of crying out to God. I think I spent a good two hours today, at various points, crying my eyes out and begging God to bring my girl home soon. I laid it all out to Him, my frustrations and my hurt and me fear. I realized, today, that I haven't been honest and open in my relationship with the Lord lately. I've been trying to say the right things, act the right way, be the "right" person. I haven't been baring my soul. Not that I have to - He can peer inside my deepest thoughts at will - but as an act of sharing, relating and connecting.
I've been trying to figure out what is that one "right" thing I can do to get my way. It hasn't been about trust, it's been about outcomes. And I must admit, if I'm being truthful, that my trust is damaged right now. Today Nick said to me, "It's in God's hands" and I felt this wave of guilt because I wanted to yell out "But He's not doing what I want!!!" I know God loves me, I know he loves my daughter, but I've gotten to the point where I want what I want. That's it. Gimme and gimme now. So I have stopped trusting Him because it would be foolish to "trust" God to do my will. In my deepest heart I know that doesn't work.
I'm so wrapped up in my will right now, in what I want. Like always, I can't see any reason why my way wouldn't be the best. I have a hundred reasons why I'm right. Just like all those other times I was sure I knew what was best and only ended up drenching myself in misery. It's really so very selfish, especially now.
When I try to choose what's best, I am too short-sighted to be very good at it. I've proven this repeatedly. God is able to see everything with perfect clarity and arrange it to the absolute best outcome. I want my way because it seems quicker, easier, faster, more immediately gratifying. Yet, my children are in the middle of this. My family is caught up in this. This little girl, who I love and I pray and cry for so much, could be affected for her whole life by the way this happens. How selfish am I to want my way, when God's way is so much better for them?
I've been putting my wants above God's love and perfection. I've been imagining that my reasoning is better than His. And I've been willing to throw my kids under the bus to have satisfaction. So my new prayer is this :
God, please shepherd all of this to the conclusion that you know is best. I want to yield to you. Please make me to bow to your wisdom and might and glory. Please make me trust in not just your power, but also your goodness and mercy. Change my heart, Lord, to say "it is well" and to remain close to you throughout this process. Stop me from pulling away when I don't get my way, like a pouting child. Make my heart pliant, give me peace, and fill me with new trust in you. Make me bend, Lord, before I break.