As I write this, it is just about 7:00 am in Bulgaria. "Today" (tonight? tomorrow?) is our final court date. Well, hopefully final. Final if all goes well. Second-to-last if it doesn't, I suppose. So getting ready to go to bed tonight, I feel like a kid on Christmas eve.
Honestly, ever since Saturday morning I've been feeling very excited and anxious. Today, however, was the fevered pitch. At church we had lots of people offering to pray for us and talking to us and it really got my heart going. Then I found the song "One Less" by Matthew West on YouTube and that got me. I was crying my eyes out to the words "brought their little girl home today." Very soon, that should be us. It could be us. I pray it will be us in the next few weeks. Could we really be 3 weeks from having her in our arms again? Dare I hope it could be even sooner?
I can't even believe we are at this point. At times it has felt so LONG, but looking at where we are now and hearing other families' stories I know that it's been very fast indeed. It feels, in some ways, like a dream or a fantasy. Something unreal or made up - a story about someone else. I have a hard time believing that this could really be our own happy ending. Of course, it's not the end at all. Bringing her home will be just the beginning.
My heart feels like it could explode in my chest to think of bringing our daughter home. Just the thought of seeing her and holding her again. Oh little darling girl, you have no idea how deeply I've longed for you. Some day I know you will struggle with feeling unwanted or rejected. Would it help you at all to know that, regardless of what your birth mom felt for you, we wanted you with all our hearts? Would it help to know that we would never reject you, that we went to great lengths to get you before we even knew you because in our hearts we loved you? Would it help you to know that I truly and deeply believe that sometimes God makes a baby with one family in mind, but puts that child in another woman's body for deep and profound reasons we can't understand on this side of the veil? I hope it will help you some day to know that, in my humble opinion, God meant your for us all along - you were always ours from before the beginning of time - and He meant us to take the long way around.
I don't mean in any way to negate the mourning and loss she must feel towards her birth family, understandably and naturally so. I hope and pray that some day I can walk with her through that pain to the love and joy and peace and acceptance on the other side. As she grows up, I hope we can love and honor her birth family together, mourning their absence and honoring their contribution to her precious life. I just hope that she will understand that she never was an accident, that God never left or forgot her, and that we love her just as deeply and strongly and fiercely as any parents can love any child, no matter how they arrive in their home.
I'm waxing poetic and emotional tonight because I'm dreaming of those courts opening in one hour (theoretically... they might keep European hours and that would mean three or four hours) and a joyous call from the agency. Forgive me if I go on too long, but I'm a kid the night before Christmas who just wants to talk about Santa's sleigh and all the presents I'm hoping I'll get.